A belated first ultrasound report...

I had my first ultrasound at what I thought was 7 weeks on Nov. 26th. The baby looks good and we were able to see and hear a heartbeat (120)! It did measure a bit small so they have moved my due date from Jul 15 to Jul 23. It feels weird to "gain" a week back. My follow up with the doc went well but I will have to see a perinatologist since I am such high risk in addition to the obgyn.

Here's the pic of our little peanut. I already love him/her so much!

Finally Two Lines!

I can't believe I am writing this blog post but on November 7th I finally saw two lines! I was presenting at a Conference on Nov. 8 and was super nervous. I had to leave on the Nov. 7th after school and really wanted to take a xanax in the morning. I was about to take one and then thought about the fact that I didn't start my period. I figured I would poas just to make sure and then have my pill. I didn't even watch it- I just went and ate my bacon since I was so sure it would be negative. But it was positive!

 
I am so excited and terrified at the same time. I am praying that this is our take home baby. I've done a lot of reflecting on this journey over the past few days and I decided to make a list of what went into my (somewhat unconventional) infertility experience:

1. 3+ years from wanting to conceive to actually seeing two lines
2. a year and a half of chemotherapy weekly shots to get my immune system under control just so I could start TTC
3. 1 year, 2 months, 15 days of actively trying to conceive with an infertility diagnosis, endometriosis, systemic lupus, and a very rare bleeding disorder
4. 1 laparoscopic surgery to remove endo and push dye through my tubes
5. 882 prenatal vitamins
6. 441 BBTs recorded

So far my only symptoms have been a missed period, sore breasts, and little waves of nausea here and there.  

I told my husband when I got back from the conference by giving him a onesie with little fish and a turtle on it I bought a LONG time ago :)

Accepting the waiting...

Today I came to the realization that I will probably have to wait another 3 months to see the RE. My health insurance sucks and we are still trying to figure out my bills from my lap surgery. I'm switching to DH's insurance but it doesn't kick in until January. Although fertility still isn't covered, the RE's group is in network so some of the bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc might be partially covered.

It's so hard to realize that I will continue to wait. IF places stress on all facets of your life and challenges even the strongest marriages. I try to focus on the positives but waiting is so difficult. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I know someday that I will hold our baby and all of the tears and pain will be worth it but right now it seems like such a distant dream.

Keeping hope alive...

Spent the day resting and recharging. It's definitely helped me put on my big girl pants and move on from this week's bfn.

CD 1 Blues

I started my period today and I cried. I'm not sure I realized how much I had gotten my hopes up after my surgery. I don't have a lot to say, just that I am very sad and feeling really down.

Don't Give Up!

CD 14 and trying to hang on to hope...

Three days post op- My Lap Story

I've been waiting until I felt a little better to write this since pain meds make me woozy.  I'm sure it's full of grammatical errors so I will edit it later when I am off meds. I hope we get pregnant and someday our kids will know what I went through to get them here lol.

I was admitted to the hospital August 7, 2013. We had a lot of drama with the insurance company that morning but the hospital helped work it out. My room was very nice and had it's own bathroom. We had a view of a field and saw quite a few deer which was nice. The first big challenge was getting the IV started. I have good veins and usually don't have trouble but it took 2 nurses a collective 3 tries to get one started! Ouch! Other than that I just tried to relax. DH and I watched movies and I sent him home when the Ambien the doc prescribed kicked in.

I didn't sleep well since they woke me up every 2 hours for vitals so I was up when DH got back around 5 am. They drew blood and we waited around awhile before heading down to pre-op.

Things in pre-op were a little crazy. Even though I was the only one there at first, things kept coming up! They couldn't get blood out of my IV and when they did the PTT etc didn't go through the lab b/c the blood had hemoglobized? They had to stick me and draw more blood. Meanwhile, the Anesthesiologist was worried about the blood clotting deficiencies and asking me and the surgeon a bunch of questions while I was getting the blood plasma transfused. I was freezing so they kept bringing me warm blankets.

The labs came back ok but I got bumped for surgery b/c of an emergency c-section! More waiting but the mama and baby were ok!

Finally, it was time to head to surgery- I think I actually asked the anesthesiologist to not let me bleed to death lol. It didn't take long once they gave me the IV meds and I was out!

When the nurses started to wake me up I REALLY wanted to stay asleep. I remember asking Ben by name if the doc had found endo- he said he had and was shocked I remembered his name. They took me back to the pre-op room where a nurse fed me ice chips and I rested. My throat hurt sooo bad. So did my stomach. I had three incisions- one in my belly button and one on each side.

When they took me back upstairs I got to see DH which made me happy and got more IV pain meds which made me REALLY happy. I rested awhile while DH ran home to check on our dog. At some point they brought me chicken and green beans to eat (wtf?) but it just made me gag and I didn't eat it. I got up when they gave me more plasma b/c I wanted to pee first- big mistake!

Peeing ended up being a huge ordeal. Not only did it feel like fire when anything came out but I had no control over my stomach muscles so I couldn't push. It kinda dribbled out slowly over a half hour period of torture. It was also a putrid shade of green from the dye they used to check my tubes. The toilet seat was also covered in blood which was lovely.

I pretty much fell back into bed and slept while the FFP was transfused after my Herculean effort to pee. Eventually, my doc came by to explain what had happened. I was happily eating mashed potatoes, jello, and  ice cream at this point which he found pretty funny. I had been in surgery around 3 hours and he had used the robot to remove endometriosis from under my uterus. He also drained a cyst on my left ovary that ran clear so it might have been an egg. My left tube spilled dye but he thinks my right tube had a spasm b/c it didn't. He said we could ttc as soon as I feel up to it. He also said I could go home that very night which was awesome!

We got home around 8pm and I slept on the couch. I've been in a lot of pain but have been managing it with meds. The shocker came on day 1 home in the evening from the back of my shoulders, neck, and head due to the gas pain. The only thing that helped was a heating pad.

I also couldn't have a bowel movement for days- I even tried laxatives and suppositories. On day 2, I ended up having 3 horrendous boughts of diarrhea.

It is now day three and I am still in a lot of pain but am getting around better and can pee. I have some bad bruising and can't bend over very well. My stomach is really swollen and super gross looking:

Some tips:

• Bring a soft blanket or stuffed animal to snuggle- I was glad to have mine through the needle sticks
• Bring a loose fitting dress to wear home from the hospital- your stomach will be sore and swollen
• Someone suggested I bring cough drops to the hospital which was awesome for my sore throat
• Stay hydrated!
• Write down the times you take meds- this was a lifesaver!
• Start trying to have a bowel movement early and take something if you need help
• Set up a bed on the couch for the first day or two if you have trouble getting out of bed (I did)
• Pain meds won't help the gas that gets stuck and makes your shoulder and neck hurt so use a heating pad

Our TTC Journey So Far...

I've been meaning to sit down and write this for awhile but it just seems so overwhelming. I've been married 5 years but I guess the best place to start is 3 years ago. I had a persistent Lupus flare that just kept getting worse- my joints ached, I had sores in my mouth and nose, and I was so tired I could hardly make it through work. I went to see my Rheumatologist who ran blood work and found my antibody levels were too high. I had to go on methotrexate which is a form of chemotherapy. I was devastated because we wanted to start a family but mtx causes severe birth defects. In fact, I was told I needed to use 2 forms of birth control.

A year and a half of giving myself weekly chemo shots went by. My weekends were full of nausea and exhaustion. You just get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. At the suggestion of a friend who's wife also has an autoimmune disease I read the book "Wheat Belly." I was willing to give anything a try at that point. I stopped the mtx and began eating a gluten free diet.

I broke the news to my Rheumy that I had quit the mtx and decided to go gluten free. She thought I was crazy... until she looked at my labs. My antibody levels were the lowest they had been since before I started the mtx! I have maintained (relatively) stable levels on my gluten free diet with just plaquenil.

It didn't take long for me to bring up the fact that I wanted to start TTC again. My Rheumy agreed under the provision that I get cleared by an ob-gyn. My medical history is complicated- on top of the Lupus I have a blood clotting disorder. I am deficient in clotting factors V and VIII so my blood does not clot properly. My poor ob-gyn had to refer to medical journals but ultimately cleared us to TTC with a "I don't see any reason why you should have trouble getting pregnant."

Here we are a year after those words were uttered and he has now officially diagnosed me with "infertility." DH's SA was normal, I ovulate, but we just aren't getting pg. My sister tried for two years to get pg before having a lap for endo- she got pregnant four months later. Since I am also presenting symptoms of endo and there is no explanation for our infertility I am doing a lap next week as a last ditch effort. I am praying that this is what we need to get pregnant. If not, this is the last thing my insurance will cover and we will head over to the RE OOP.

So that's (believe it or not) the short version. If you read that whole thing- thank you <3